Lets play pretend.

Sometimes I feel that
I'm thoroughly losing it.
What is my life now?

I think that I will
Fall apart and start again.
How long will this take?

It's like I'm at a standstill right now. And its riculous. I'm not moving and theres nothing within reach that I can move...towards. Yes, recovery, yes doctors appointments and the day when I can finally start swimming again. But it feels like everyday it dawns on me more and more how incredibly...hard, this is going to be.
When I go back, I'm going to have missed out on so much swimming and so many inside jokes and. What will they think of me after missing a monthormore of training (because I've already heard that people are saying I'm making a bigger deal of this than it really is and really I'm just being a slacker and avoiding practice. Excuse me, but I'm pretty sure damaging my heart isnt a little deal? I'm not a slacker. I didnt CHOSE to be anemic.) Its going to be a pain when everyone has improved and gotten faster and training has gotten more intense and I'm sitting there unable to make the C-interval because my body doesnt function like it should.

So as much as I'm dying to go back...I'm scared to too? And god, I wish I knew how long this would take. The appointment at Sinai is in the first week of December...that plus the prognosis plus the time it takes for my blood count to get up to at least the minimum...So I'm thinking January I'll be back. Thats so long though.

But right. Standstill. Not just this whole swimming/anemia situation. Its everthing. Especially this holiday season crap. Thanksgiving. Gift exchanges and Christmas parties (or lack therof.) Things were just so much better last year and I was so much happier and satisfied and its so funny and sad
how much can change in 365 days.

But thats hard. Because there are those who consistently complain about addding time.
"How did you do"
"Oh horrible I added time."
"Dont worry I added 6 seconds to my 200 IM..."
"No no no but I've added every single event today! <complaincomplaincomplain"

First of all. The meet isnt even over. Yuo have another day.
Second of all, I've been adding time ever since December. Its almost been a year.
Third of all, usually you cut in at least one event every meet.
...AND even if you added 10 seconds, you would still be faster then me. And you've gotten recognized on the state and regional level. Me? Oh what, high school swim meet honors? Woohoo.

So shut up, please. Or at least complain to someone that you know HASNT been plateuing ever since she was 13, please. (Besides, I KNOW they know that I'm the plateuing person. For sure.)

But remember that letter to Ben I spent 2 posts/several rough drafts angsting about? And in the end I hada draft that I was okay with (in other words, I got sick of writing and writing and never being really satisfied so I gave up.) . And in the end I ripped it off my notepad and folded it in neat thirds and stuck it in an envelope with a little heart in the corner, and put it in my backpack. But I cant remember what happened to it. Did I throw it away during school after he broke up with me or or or when I got home?...But I know I didnt throw it away right when I got home because...I was too busy...preparing for the meet. Did I throw it away that night? Or is it still sitting around somewhere?

And even though I'm definitely past that annoying Twilight phase, I'm still annoyed with the fact that I have no idea where Twilight went. I put it in someones backpack. But he told me it wasnt his. I mean, I succeeded twice that day in putting it in his backpack but he also succeeded twice in throwing it back at me. Then the third time I hid it very effectively (harharhar or so I thought) and I didnt ask him about it until the next day....When he told me he didnt see it.

Either hes lying, or someone from Mrs.Gittermanns pd6 algebra 2 class has my Twilight book. I'd like it back, please.

Kathryn made me a mix CD of music from her generation. Which is our generation, but...for some reason I dont recognize the names of the songs/parts of the songs because it was all big when i was 5 or 6ish. and She was 9-10ish so it made more sense to her/OLDPEOPLE. But one of the songs was "Us Against the World." This is ridiculous. I love this song. (Even though 2 of the singers look like babiesss.)
 

Tommorow is Friday, and there's 2 Saturdays. Even better, theres no school on the first Saturday, AND no swim practice. Even though I think I'll end up at the pool anyways.

Because I'm a really uptight meet swimmer. And I panic easily. And warm-ups will undoubtly be as chaotic as possible and I WILL end up smacking several butts because it'll just be oh-so-crowded. And I may just end up with a big bruise on my nose like Brittany did at the last meet.

I strongly dislike how temporary everything seems to be. Fleeting moments are not appreciated after they flee.
And the only things in my life that are stable and not-temporary/fleeting...the only thing, singular, is the weather. Its really cold outside and I need to rake the leaves.

Idk there was a lot I wanted to rant about. But then I decided I wouldnt be able to do it while being vague and I feel like its necessary to be vague. But then again. Only Lili and Sarah really look at this and thatttt makes me kind of relieved.

I sound absolutely ridiculous in this post.

Hi homecoming week.

So apparently our theme this year is Operation (for sophmores.) On theme day Tuesday, theres baisicly two options out there. Dress up as a doctor, or a giant penis. Hmmm.

Hi being sick.

I went to practice last night with a sore throat, came back, throat on fire. No fever. Woke up at 5 for practice, no fever. Died during practice. Came home, OH LOOK WHO HAS A FEVER. Fuck. Slept from 8:30-11:30. Major headache. So I didnt get any work done today. Oh dang.

Hi unsent letters.

Because I was planning on giving him that letter (remember? I angsted for days and days on whether or not it should exsist, made multiple drafts of it.)....but I was kind of interrupted/distracted by getting dumped by said guy just a fewwww hours before I was planning to slip it into his dumb backpack  (really. he had a dumb backpack.). So I figured that should post to that community for closure. Even though it seems too late to be going for closure right now. It probably wont do me any good but I think I will anyways. Because it might, and homecoming is in a week and I'd really like to not think about it unless I know, for sure, its worth...thinking...about...it okay I'll shut up.


And yesterday, as a joke, I was complaining of how whenever I had to go to the bathroom, since its been absolutely freezing lately, the toilet seat was really cold and it wasnt pleasent. My parents came back from target today with a new toilet seat thing that doesnt get as cold as the normal ones.
<3

OH BEFORE I FORGET Lili your advice was superbbbb. But I couldnt figure out how to apply it AKA nobody I swim with is in the same situation.
There are plenty of people who half apply to it.  Just. not enough that theyre in the same situation. And the advice varies so much.
The people who swim really intensely and have swimming take up just as much time as it does for me, sometimes even more. In that group its either a) theyre not THAT gungho about what college theyre going to. I'm not saying they dont care at all, but I think they would be satisfied more easily then I would. or b) theyre just naturally smart, naturally good at tests, naturally good at standardized tests, that all those scores and grades come easy and they can handle not studying and bsing homework and not doing test prep.

And I lost my train of thought but I guess I kind of made my point.

I was talking about it with my mom today on the way back home from practice. The whole dilemma I got goin' on. She constantly tells me to just focus on right now and just keep my grades up but then she follows up with something that totally ignites my drive to just open the car door and topple onto I-95. She told me about how her coworker had two girls who swam just like me. On the same team. And they did what I plan to do--quit when they were juniors. But apparently they realized that it was too late, and they regretted not letting go of swimming earlier. Same thing happened with Randys sister. Apparently. And they all ended up at college park at the end. I dont want that. I dont want that generic, stereotypical safety school all the asians that are smart but not SMART end up.

And so now its not only the concept of whether or not I should keep swimming next year. Its whether or not I'm going to go through with this year.
I dont want to do anything I'll regret. If I quit too late, then I'm screwed. If I quit too early, I'm screwed. I wish I could have an accurate prediction of my potential. Application wise, swimming right now doesnt get me anywhere. I havent gotten to any major competitions and its been years since I've made it to states. I need to know theres a reason why I keep putting myself through this. Even though I dont want to make swimming sound like this...thing of torture. I love it. I love it. I love the team, I love the practices, I love being sore in the morning, I love having a high metabolism. I just dont knowwwwwwww.

Because I dont have any natural intelligence or logic. I have to figure out how to gain that. So far, I'm gaining it ridiculously slowly.

...And I dont like stressing out over things like this, because I have plenty of other stuff I should stress out about. Id rather stress over guys then stress over this. This is just. inevitable. I hate inevitable. And its stupid. I still have 2 years left but its so PRESENT.

SO THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. Its being overshadowed by unknown potential or lack thereof.
 

NOW WHAT.

I told my mom. She thinks I shouldnt have such high aspirations. But. OH MAN. SECTIONALS! I would kill to make it. AND HE THINKS I CAN! But that definately translates to at least another year with RAC and...god I dont know if I can handle that? I want to pull it off but. When I was convinced I would quit after the next summer I felt so...relaxed?
Well, not really. I was worried and scared but it was like...good. Because I knew what I was doing. I knew my goal.
And now all that changes and I'm just afjdkal IT SHOULDNT BE THIS COMPLICATED but it is. Because I get overwhelmed easily and junior year+swimming, for me, will be hell. But...oh man oh man.